Jimmy Beh

“If we opened people up we’d find landscapes.”

Agnes Varda

I recently gave a short presentation to a small group of students on the topic of networking. The goal was to help them develop some skills and self-confidence around successfully connecting with young professionals in their field of interest. After we finished, one of the students made a comment to me about how he thought I was good at making eye contact, and how he wanted to develop this skill in his own life. Besides successfully inflating my ego, his comment raised questions for me around the importance and impact something as simple as eye contact can have on each of us in our daily lives. 

As far as I am concerned, eye contact is one of the key ways we, as humans, begin to encounter one another. There is a warmth that comes from meeting other people, and an intimacy that happens in making eye contact. While we may not think of making eye contact with another person (or animal!) as an intimate act, we might remember Shakespeare’s words; ““Eyes are windows to the soul.” Intimacy in this sense is not romantic (although it can be), but, more so, it could be thought of as a loving encounter or gaze (or as one of the students at Loyola dubbed it– an ‘encourterment’). Through this nonverbal and intimate encounter we are able to communicate so many different things that our words fall short of, and perhaps the most important message we communicate says, ‘you are valuable’– ‘you are worth being seen for who you are.’ Fr. Greg Boyle writes, “we all taste eternity when person merges with person. We find ourselves poised to enter into a relationship with anyone anywhere.” 

But allowing ourselves to openly encounter another can be scary. Many of us actively avoid this. If you don’t believe me, try taking public transportation during your next morning commute. You’d be surprised how many people think they are actually good at texting and walking! It seems to me that this fear comes from the vulnerability that intimacy requires. On some level, we all desire to be seen– without a mask or persona. But this desire is suppressed when we see ourselves as unworthy, broken, or wounded. This internal conflict between desire and fear of rejection is a very real tension, which is why something as simple as making eye contact and giving a smile can elicit such positive emotions. 

Paulo Coehlo writes, “one is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.” It is in this spirit that we realize our own ability and energy to lovingly gaze at one another stems from the fact that each of us are already loved. You see, inside all of our windows is a soul that is known, seen, and loved by God in its nakedness and unworthiness. And once we are able to realize this love (which is always unfolding), we are better able to see it and love it in others. Suddenly, eye contact becomes far less of a skill and much more of a habit– the habit of taking the time to give away the gift you have been given.

Now, please don’t start running around in a manic state where you don’t blink, hold intense eye contact, and tell everyone you can see their soul and it is beautiful– you might not be let outside for a while. Instead, let us try to reframe how we view our small, daily encounters with others. Whether it is during a formal presentation, a brief exchange with a cashier, or passing by a stranger on the street– try to take a moment and lovingly gaze at them. You don’t even need to make eye contact with them to do this (although it certainly enhances the encounter!), you just need to allow yourself to intentionally be open to that person’s innate goodness– to that core part of them that is loved by God. I am constantly surprised how this simple reframe leads to new experiences and relationships in my life, and how it helps me grow in my own self-confidence to be vulnerable with others.

So I hope we all can find excuses to lovingly encounter one another more often, and to show one another that we see each other’s innate goodness. We are each travelers on a journey, and everyone that travels knows that your experience is always heightened by the people, stories, and moments you share with others along the way.